What Happiness Feels Like
by LieutenantBear
Summary: Hikaru is acting strangely, and Pavel is not going to give up on finding out why. But what happens when Pavel goes a little bit too far? (Chulu, of course) Fluffiness ensues.


There's lots of different kinds of sadness. There's the kind the bugs you for a few minutes, then goes away as you start to focus on different or more important things. There's the kinds that sticks in your head, and distracts you for a while. There's the kind that just ruins your day in seconds. Then, there's the worst kind. The kind where you don't have to cry, but you know you'd feel a lot better of you did. It makes you feel weak. It gives you a sick feeling in your stomach. It actually, physically, causes you pain by pulling on your chest,tearing at your heart.

That was exactly what Hikaru Sulu was feeling.

After his shift on the bridge, he got in the stupid elevator with his friend, Pavel Chekov, so he could go back to his quarters, and hopefully fall asleep for a good four hours. He might have had a secret crush on Pavel, but he wouldn't ever admit it. How could he not? Pavel had that mop of curly hair, the somewhat misleading innocent eyes, and a personality that was so sensitive and cute and just overall lovable. Pavel had obviously been having a good day. Possibly a little too good. As much as Hikaru loved seeing him happy, his enthusiasm was starting to get irritating.

"...I mean, I would have never known, right?" Pavel said, smiling.

Hikaru had zoned off. "Huh?" He said, blinking, trying to keep his eyes open for just a few more minutes until he got to his bed.

"I said I would have that she speaks three languages!" Pavel said.

"Who are we talking about?" Hikaru yawned.

"The really good-looking female doctor, remember? When you were getting a physical?" He said. "Pretty awkward time to try to make friends, though. Were you..?"

Hikaru closed his eyes, and fell asleep for a few seconds until Pavel tugged on his sleeve. "Hikaru, get off before the door closes!" He said. Hikaru jumped awake and hopped off towards his quarters. "What's wrong with you today?"

"Huh? Nothing, just a long day." Hikaru lied. "Super tired, need sleep. Goodbye." He turned to enter his quarters.

"Freeze!" Pavel said. Hikaru stopped and sighed.

"Whaaaat do you waaant?" He whined. "I wanna go to sleep, Pav!"

"What are you hiding, Hikaru?" Pavel said. He was a very good detective. But Hikaru was also a very good liar.

"I'm going to go to sleep Pavel, I'm dead tired. Now, goodnight." He said. He made sure the door shut and locked behind him, he knew Pavel would try to come in. He knew he was correct when he heard the solid "thunk" of Pavel's head hitting the door.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "Hikaru! You didn't tell me you locked the door! I just ran my skull into it!" Hikaru chucked from inside his quarters, and he buried his face into a pillow, trying to ignore him, but it didn't work. Pavcl kept knocking on the door, two sharp knocks at a time. After about ten minutes Pavel STILL hadn't gone, so Hikaru angrily unlocked it.

"What. Do. You. WANT?" He yelled at him, his hair already messed up from the pillow.

"Do you want to go get a drink we Scotty and I?" Pavel asked.

"No." Hikaru said, and walked back to his bed. Before the door shut, Pavel stuck his hand through and walked in. Hikaru turned around, "Oh, sure, yeah, just come right in."

"Well, you weren't going to let me in." Pavel said,

"And that's a reason to come in?" Hikaru asked. "Pavel, please leave. You've never done this any other day that I wanted to sleep."

"Hm." Pavel paced around him. "You're upset about something."

"Shut up, Pavel. Get out, I don't want you here."

Pavel looked all up and down Hikaru's body. "Yeah, I can tell. In your eyes. You can tell so much about a person from their eyes, you know?" He shook his head. "I can see it in every part of your face. Even if you smiled I'd be able to tell."

"Okay, is that all you wanted to know?" Hikaru asked. "Time to leave."

"Nope. It's not." Pavel said.

Hikaru fell onto his bed. "Screw it, then, I'm sleeping whether you're in here or not." He muttered through a pillow.

Pavel sat down on the bed. "What's wrong?"

"What's WRONG is that you're still here." He said, laying face down.

"You're very sad about something. Come on, tell me what it is?" Pavel said. "I just wanna help you, you know."

"I know, but it's not gonna work." Hikaru said.

"Ha! So you admit you're sad!" Pavel said.

"Well… Okay, yes."

"What's wrong, my friend?" Pavel said. Hikaru looked up when he felt Pavel's hand in his back, and Pavel was smiling at him.

Hikaru sighed. "Just… Everything. Everything is wrong. I don't know. I can't find anything that doesn't feel wrong with me right now." He put his face back in the pillow.

Pavel shook his head. "Hikaru, take your face out of that pillow."

"No."

"Hikaru…"

"No." He said. "No, and you have to leave."

"Why do you keep saying that I have to leave?" Pavel said.

"Because, none of your business." Hikaru said.

"Hikaru…"

"Because I don't want you here." He said.

Pavel nodded. "Okay, I'll go." There it was. That tugging pain in Hikaru's chest. "But I'll be back later." Pavel said. He walked out of the room, and the doors automatically locked behind him so that they could only be opened from the inside. Pavel hated that he had it on that setting. He looked to see if anyone was coming down the hall, so they didn't think he was creepy or anything, then put his ear to the door. At first he didn't hear much, the rooms were pretty soundproof, but then he thought he heard a sort of muffled sobbing, and shirt gasps of breath. "That's ridiculous." Pavel said to himself when he got back to his quarters. "Sulu never cries. About anything." He scratched his head. "Maybe I'm hearing things.

He walked back to Hikaru's quarters a half-hour later, and knocked on the door. Silence. He knocked harder. "Go away." Hikaru's muffled voice said.

_He still has his head in that stupid pillow, doesn't he_. He pounded his fist on the door. "Hikaru, open this damn door!"

"Go away." Hikaru repeated. "I'm tired."

"I'm gonna get in there." Pavel said. He was a computer whiz, he could hack into Hikaru's room. He looked carefully at the panel that you're supposed to type the passcode to the room into. "Child's play." He whispered to himself. Within a few moments, he heard a click, pushed the door sideways, and sure enough, it slid open. He shut it behind him.

Hikaru flipped himself over on his back. "I thought I told you to go away." He said. His eyes were red.

"And I thought I told you I would get in here." Pavel said, trying to maintain his smile for Hikaru. "Plus I said I would be coming back."

Hikaru didn't respond. He just pulled his blanket over his head.

"Not cool, dude." Pavel said, pulling the blanket from him. He was still in his gold shirt, and hadn't even taken his boots off.

"Dude! Give it back!" Hikaru shot up, and grabbed his blanket back. "I'm seriously not in the mood. And don't think I won't call security on you, because I will!"

Pavel laughed. "No you won't." He said. "Tell me what's wrong. I tell you, I can make it better."

Hikaru suddenly became aware of how fast his heart was beating. Maybe he was running out of oxygen under the stupid blanket. He threw it off of him and looked up at Pavel, only to have his heart pound even faster. _Well, that's not it._ He thought. "You can't make it better, Pavel, but I appreciate the offer." He got up and paced around as Pavel watched him. "But I'm just not myself today. I don't know why."

"Why didn't you just tell me that an hour ago?" Pavel said.

Hikaru shrugged. "Not the best of days, Pavel, if you couldn't already tell."

Pavel raised his eyebrows. "Seriously, you need some tea or something." He said.

"What? No, I don't want any tea." Hikaru said. "I just… I don't know what I want."

There was a long pause between the two, until Pavel spoke up. "Why were you crying?"

"What?" Hikaru said. "Crying when? I don't cry."

"When I left, you started crying." Pavel said. "You don't just cry when you're having a bad day. There's got to be something really wrong to make you cry."

Hikaru said nothing, just stared at his feet. Pavel stood up and put his hands on Hikaru's shoulders. He was trying to say something, he just couldn't say it. Them without warning, ke pulled Hikaru towards him and kissed him right on the lips. Hikaru tried to react, but the words got tied up in his mouth and he couldn't make a sound, so he just stood there with his eyes widened.

"Oh, no." Pavel said, backing up. "That was not the right thing to do. That was stupid." He covered his face with his hands. "I-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Then he ran out of Hikaru's quarters.

"Wait, Pavel!" Hikaru yelled after him. He tried to catch up to him, but Pavel was easily the fastest on the ship. He ran to Pavel's quarters, and the doors opened. Obviously, Pavel didn't have them on automatic lock like he did.

Pavel was crying hysterically, sitting on the edge of his bed. "I'm sorry, Hikaru." He said. "I'm really sorry and I shouldn't have done that. I'm just stupid." He tried to catch his breath. "I just really like you. I'm sorry of you don't wanna be my friend anymore." Tears poured down his face. "I wish I hadn't ruined it." He sobbed.

Hikaru sat next to him, but Pavel turned his head the other way. "Pavel…" Hikaru said. Tears ran all the way down Pavel's neck, and he pulled his shirt over his head. "Pavel, look at me." Hikaru said. He pulled Pavel's shirt back down. "Look at me."

Pavel shook his head. "I don't wanna." He said.

"Pavel please…"

Pavel slowly turned his head, and glanced up for half a second. Hikaru pulled him by his shirt towards him and kissed him. "Thanks, Pav." Hikaru said.

Pavel was speechless. "You mean… I thought…"

Hikaru hugged him. "You thought wrong, Pavel. Very wrong. I've always liked you. I was really sad today because… I had never thought… I was looking at you today, and I said to myself… 'There is the man of your dreams…' But then I realized I could never have you." He said. "That hurt. And you know what else hurt? When you started crying."

Pavel wiped his face and held Hikaru tightly, burying his face in his shirt. "I'm sorry." He said. "I just thought you'd never talk to me again. I thought I was doing the wrong thing."

"No, no, that was perfectly okay." Hikaru said. "I don't know how it would have worked on anyone else, but for me it was just perfect. It doesn't hurt anymore."

"What doesn't hurt?" Pavel asked.

"It. Just it." Hikaru said, as if Pavel was supposed to understand. "I can't explain what exactly hurt. It started in my chest, and went down to the pit of my stomach, made my heart beat faster, made my blood pressure rise, made me breathe real heavily. And it hurt. Whenever I thought of you, it would hurt." Pavel looked up at him and smiled. "Not anymore." Hikaru and Pavel leaned back on the five-thousand pillows that Pavel had. "Why do you have twelve pillows on your bed, Pavel?" Hikaru asked.

"First of all, I have fourteen, second of all, because they're very soft." Pavel said, resting his head on Hikaru's chest. "You're my favorite pillow, though."

Hikaru smiled. "I think that's a compliment, right?" Pavel nodded. "Thank you." He ran his fingers through Pavel's soft, thin curls until he fell asleep. _This must be what true happiness feels like_. He thought to himself while he listened to Pavel's soft, steady breaths. He kissed Pavel's forehead, and laid his head back. Then, he started crying. He didn't know this feeling. He had never cried of happiness before. But he didn't mind. He liked it. He just laid there, with Pavel snoring happily and hugging his waist, and let the tears fall.


End file.
